Your definitive guide to vending machine cafe au laits in and around Nakano ward, 13th Chome, Tokyo Japan

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Let us, then, be up and doing. With a heart for any fate.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt, seen on a banner hanging outside of a pachinko parlor/gambling den, Nakano Japan.

This is a story about how mistakes can turn into something beautiful and disgusting. Yesterday, I admit, I screwed up. I thought my flight was at 11:45 PM the 15th, but when the receptionist kindly pointed out that I was a day early I was stuck! An extra day in Tokyo, two heavy bags, and nothing to do. I figured the least I could do was provide for the community, and seeing as how this is a desperately unfilled niche I present to you the fruits of my last day in Japan: I have sampled only the finest cafe au laits from in and around Japan’s numerous vending machines, and compiled a list here so you can be sure that, when you arrive in Nakano ward 13th Chome, you know the right choice to make.

BOSS: Tagline “boss coffee, the boss of them all since 1992.”

I am 100% sure boss gets by on name brand alone. The bottles are TINY for 130 yen. On the other hand, their branding is good: the line on the coffee read “mild and creamy taste for a relaxing moment”, which are all words I enjoy hearing. It certainly was mild and creamy, but it still had the coffee note. All in all, a good introduction to vending machines cafe au laits for anyone in need of a Tokyo quick fix.

GEORGIA EUROPEAN: I’m always tempted to refer to this one as just “Georgia” but I believe the full name is actually “Georgia European”, in which case I’m not certain what this is referring to — there’s only one state of Georgia in Europe I’m aware of and I don’t think they’re known for their coffee, though I hate coffee and so I could be wrong. Anyway, this bottle was huge compared to boss coffee, at least twice as big for the same price. I don’t know if boss got their hooks into me or what, but this tasted a bit more watery, and I feel like the coffee note was weaker. All in all, a fine option if you need to be drinking a lot of cafe au lait but going into an actual cafe is too intimidating because people keep screaming “IRASSHAIMASE” at you.

WONDA: At this point I was getting a little tired of drinking vending machine cafe au laits, but lo and behold Wonda was on sale: only 100 yen a bottle (if you didn’t know vending machines could have sales, now you do). This coffe is by Asahi, the makers of the famous “#1 super dry beer” you may be familiar with, and they seem to have taken a page out of boss’s playbook because this bottle is tiny as well (a fact I’m not too upset by). The taste is similar to boss too, and in fact the coffee note might be a little stronger. Drinking this I can definitely tell you that Georgia is a bit too watery. EDIT: that’s Georgia European. It’s fine, drinkable, maybe even better than boss. My suggestion is that you and a friend get one of each and compare — or for this price, maybe even two!!

SAPPORO: My god, another one. Sapporo is also getting into the vending machine cafe au lait market, and not a moment too late (quick note that all of these vending machines are within 50 feet). Sapporo, for those unfamiliar, is the Budweiser to Asahi’s Corona, except Sapporo comes from the far north of Hokkaido. I can’t think of what else Hokkado is really known for, except its rugged wilderness beauty and the last enclaves of the Ainu people, though they’re not doing so well lately. Enough politics, though, you’re here for the taste!! … It’s got a weird aftertaste. I can’t even say this tastes like boss, which is what I want to say, because it’s got this weird aftertaste. Avoid.

ITO EN: Finally cleared out that group of vending machines, but around the next corner are at least four more, some of which have multiple brands of cafe au lait in the same machine, which makes no sense to me. I refuse to believe that anyone, even the Japanese, can meaningfully differentiate between this vast range of vending machine cafe au laits, although perhaps I’m wrong and this is the logical endpoint of all culture. As Marx once said, “Something about the endless accumulation of vending machine cafe au laits”. Anyway, Ito En. The bottle says “20% something”, though I’m not sure what it means. I know 用 is a kanji that refers to “task”, so maybe it refers to 20% less of a task to drink this vending machine cafe au lait cause boy is it tiny. It also says “2” near the top, which I can’t begin to parse. Taste: Surprisingly good. Also a distinct aftertaste, but not unpleasant. You could drink this one. You could drink any of them. It’s all the same. They’re all the same.

DOUTOR: I can’t do this for much longer, mostly because I’m wired as shit after drinking five or six vending machine cafe au laits in a row. Passersby are giving me strange looks, no doubt wondering why I’ve been standing on this street corner for one hour hitting up the same vending machines for different brands of cafe au laits. Someone, this may have been Marx again, once said “Insanity is drinking the same vending machine cafe au lait and expecting different results”, which seems pertinent. Doutor was in the same vending machine as Wonda, which confused me, but maybe Asahi doesn’t mind a little healthy competition. Also of note is that the bottle says “hot and cold”, which is a bold claim. It just seems like a strange thing to offer, especially when there’s no hot option on the vending machine. Are they suggesting I go home and microwave it?

Hold up, someone else is ordering.

False alarm, he bought green tea. Weak.

Anyway, Doutor. This one’s in a bottle with a twist off cap, which is new. I’ve been popping the caps off these babies like cans of coke, which I imagine is an experience similar to snapping a rabbit’s neck: perhaps initially thrilling when you’re overcome by the vigor of the hunt, but later you’re overcome by a wave of revulsion and, ultimately, regret. Taste: Very strong initial coffee note, otherwise similar to Georgia. It even looks the same as Georgia bottle-wise, and it has the same amount of coffee in it. EDIT: That’s Georgia European. Consider them identical, or don’t. No longer my problem.

TULLY’S COFFEE：This is the last one I can do, literally, without throwing up, so I’m going out with a bang. Clocking in at 150 yen this is the most expensive of the vending machine cafe au laits available, although I’m not actually sure if this is really a cafe au lait at all. It comes in a strange, silvery bottle and also sports the label “hot and cold” — again, not taking them up on that. Uh. Where was I. Right. Yeah, so I’ve seen Tully’s Coffee shops actually around, like Starbucks, so they’re definitely established. I’m not sure if it’s a foreign brand or one of those Japanese brands that you just think are foreign, like Family Mart or 7–11 (did you know 7–11 was acquired by a Japanese company? I didn’t until I came here. They’re also a bank, which is weird, weird to have your convenience store also be your bank. Official name: 7 and Holdings.). Taste: I was fooled. It’s not a cafe au lait at all. It’s just coffee, and I hate coffee. Avoid. This is what the first world looks like. If you want a picture of the future, refer to the famous Marx quote: “Imagine a vending machine cafe au lait stomping on a human face, forever”.

Keep in mind this is far from the entirety of the vending machine cafe au laits available. This is just two street corners, and later in the day I spotted at least five more brands. Trying to sample them all is a futile gesture, like trying to capture all Pokemon; it’s just a matter of time before more show up. The consumer is left with two choices: to resign themselves to the futility of the task and collect new cafe au laits ceaselessly, or to revel in a purpose that has been granted to them without end — an existential well which will never run dry.

Until next time this is travel extraordinaire SD signing off. Stay safe, everyone, and remember — すごいです！！！