rhythm : )
Lately my heart’s been… Well, the technical term is arrhythmia, but speaking plainly it’s not acting the way it should. As we all know, the heart’s job is to send out slow, stately beats. As with any bodily system — I would say as with anything at all — consistency is the most important thing here, the name of the game, but it’s not what’s being delivered. Instead my heart’s been skipping beats at random intervals and sending out huge, artillery-blast thumps on the offbeat, in a way that’s been very disconcerting. For a while I thought I was imagining things; the first thump would catch me off guard, with the second I’d realize what was happening, but by the time I’d gotten my finger to my neck it’d be a steady rhythm again. It was only in the shower recently that I managed to catch it, and then there I was face to face with the issue: my heart wasn’t listening to me.
I realized from a very young age that my body could, essentially, turn on me at any minute, and furthermore that I’m not guaranteed any good reason for that happening, but by the time I’d realized this with any clarity I’d already had the revelation for the first time that I would someday die, which was the /really/ bad one and involved a lot of weeping and wailing while my mother was trying to drive, so it wasn’t as jarring as it could have been. I think sometimes, in response to this, of what they say about the ocean, that something like eighty percent of it is unexplored, that we know as much about it, roughly speaking, as we do about space. The last bit may be an exaggeration, but it’s the same with our bodies, isn’t it? I live here inside it, for now, controlling it in some nominal sense, but in the end the deep, secretive rivers of blood that rush through my chest are as much a mystery to me, as inaccessible, as the underground currents of the Atlantic.
Either way, I’m not particularly worried. If I were, what would there even be to do? I’ve made the appointment with the doctor already (who seemed thoroughly unconcerned when I came to him a few months ago with the stomach thing, so we’ll see what he says now). Maybe I’m too stressed, or I ate something the wrong way, or too much of it or too little, or any number of reasons. Well see.
Since I titled this rhythm I also want to give a special shout out to the rhythm of spring which has been appearing all around me lately. It smelled so much like spring last night it made me smile. I love winter dearly, and I’ll be over this soon, but there’s always something about the first halting steps towards spring that end in an explosion of green and and fresh smells, and it gets me every time. The dogs are out in Madison Square Park, the flowers are blooming, the potato I rescued is reaching towards the sky. Enjoy everything while it lasts. : )
