not a bad mood!

I guess… I’m in a good mood! I’m usually in a good mood when I finish stories, and why wouldn’t I be? Unless it’s not a good story (and I wouldn’t bother with stories that aren’t good) there’s a satisfying conclusion, one which makes you think “oh, I see. I get it now!” And even if a story sets up its own laws about the way things work, when you finish a story you get to take some of that insight and some of that sense of resolution back with you into your own life, which goes on and on. Because stories only ever come from people. They can’t really have anything in them that isn’t us. I think that… though the specifics of how we live our lives and the problems we encounter change, the drive towards finding resolution and making sense of things never changes. That’s the bridge that connects stories to our own life.

Anyway, this probably isn’t a particularly hot take. But god damn, do I love a good resolution.

The ITP show happened today, and will happen tomorrow too, and then the semester will be well and truly over. You, my intrepid readers (nonexistent) I didn’t tell about the show soon enough, so I’m sorry you’ll miss it. I feel so bad for the people graduating this year, in the middle of this COVID thing, but I know many of them and know that they’re strong and I know as well that I’ll go through something similarly difficult in my lifetime, so. When I get to that point, I’m glad I’ll know that there are people who feel bad for me and believe in me as well. The show, overall, is rewarding. ITP, overall, is rewarding. There are some great people there. Perhaps I’m not as close to many of them as I should be, but as always I try to do right by people.

Ah. Remind me to write something about… how the spaces we inhabit mean a lot, even if they’re filled with the people we know, or not even anyone at all. I’m not sure I’ll write about it tonight, but it’s sooo important, too. “Waiting in an empty chat room”. “Waiting in an empty chat room that will always be empty, you know no one will come”. It’s meaningful, right? : ) It must be, I did it today. Why would I do something that’s not meaningful? Hahaha. Ahhh. I’ve still got it. Today I gave the advice “don’t waste time doing things you don’t want to do”. Gotta say. I think it’s solid advice.

Well, I’m trying to get a lot done this summer. Or at least do a lot. There’s always that specter of productivity, this idea that we have to be working or doing something in order for our time to be valuable, which I really hate. But also exploring and trying new things is how we find out how to come down where we belong, so… as long as one is healthy about it. I saw on Yiting’s endlessly self-replenishing Facebook story that she limited the amount of time she’s working to 1.5 hours a day, and it’s cool and healthy that she’s figured that out for herself. I’m still finding that balance (or, interminably, rebalancing).

For my part, I’ve taken up 3D modeling and am exploring Touchdesigner, and besides that shaders are a big part of my agenda for the summer. Besides that there’s my dedication to building a portfolio I’m proud of, and languages. I’m really getting down to brass tacks with Mandarin this summer, which is playing hell on my ability to recognize Japanese characters but which is going pretty well, all things considered.

Portfolio… part of the difficulty of that is the way it feels so decisively definitive. Ultimately, though, we never have a choice in defining ourselves. It’s a necessity. What’s truly valuable is keeping in mind the mental and physical ways we have to redefine ourselves. People are always going to force you to abide by how they see you anyways, so. It’s the least you can do for yourself.

I started reading “Atomic Habits” on the advice of a friend. It’s the kind of book I wouldn’t have even thought about touching even a few years ago. I’d say it definitely lands within the realm of “self help”, which is a word that, in terms of the emotions it stirs in me, probably lies alongside phrases like “mass murder” and “stealing someone else’s food right out of the fridge, even when it has their name on it”. After reading a little bit, though, I think that the “self help” part of it isn’t what I hate so much. To be perfectly honest, a lot of the advice of the book is good and actionable. What I’ve despised about self help… it’s kind of what I always found distasteful about, say, yoga and meditation. Those things are, by themselves, pretty awesome! Mindfulness is amazing and yoga, so I hear, is good for your back. What I’ve despised (albeit subconsciously) is the commercialization of those things. I feel like it’s impossible to get involved with any sort of spirituality without being wound up into the capital machine. And the worst part is that, if you are someone who bases their life around that kind of thing, you’re at a big risk of being typecast the way, say, someone who enjoys craft beer is typecast. And fuck, I like craft beer. Then again, I am definitely often typecast.

So, that’s yet another strait to navigate. It can be real emotional labor to pluck the sweetness of truly valuable things from what’s being put in front of you, though of course that doesn’t make it not worth it.

What else? I had a good conversation about love with a friend of mine recently. She was… From what I can gather, there was someone she thought was cool and was having good, deep conversations with, but it kept turning to flirting. And she didn’t want him to flirt with her. And so what we were wondering is… hm. “How do we define love and the meaningfulness of a relationship as something differentiated simply from being close to someone?” Obviously, this is not a new question (though of course every time a question is brought up with someone new or even in another second it becomes a new question with new implications). Anyway, we talked about this a lot. I can’t say we settled upon anything conclusive (actually I thought the talk ended kind of anticlimactically) but I did generate this thought which I think is good and which I think I will stick with, and so I enshrine it here:

I think a big part of love has to do with someone being consistently interested in you and your viewpoint, but especially in how that reflects in smaller things. Why we truly need people… it’s easy for the beautiful little detritus our lives generate to disappear into the ether if it’s not observed. When we have tiny moments that make us say “wow”, we want to share those and have them witnessed. And if someone can do that and see you through it, isn’t that super valuable?

I dunno, it’s a start.

Stay safe, everyone : ) We’re moving forward!!